The Astrologer

published in Fatal Visions No.3, Melbourne, 1988

Straight to the point. I sincerely and wholeheartedly believe this is truly the 'worst' film I have ever seen, and that when it next turns up on television for video - see it! Now, I'm not just talking about cheap Turkey classifications of atrocious filmmaking. Nor am I talking about a cult-oriented bash at unintentionally bad yet hysterically funny direction.

The Astrologer (1976) is unique because it really feels like it tried to be a serious work of art. Let me give you the details. It's written and directed by one Craig Denney. He also stars in the film - playing himself. The film is his life story, where he becomes a famous astrologer - so famous that he ends up making a film about his life story, called - you guessed it - The Astrologer. Denney's vision of himself borders on the neurotic. I deduce from the film that the guy was big on Cyrilian astrology which claims that common astrology (what he calls Tropical astrology) is all wrong and out of sync with the planets' true movements. He pictures himself as a crusader and champion of this branch, and eventually - wait for it - (a) has his own syndicated TV show ("We're telling the world about the new Cyrilian astrology. That Tropical stuff's gotta go."); (b) advises the US Navy about missing ships in the Bermuda Triangle ("Thank you for contacting me about this, Admiral. I'll see what I can do about it."); helps his sister become a recording star ("She's my sister. I owe it to her."); and (d) turns his wife into a movie star ("Did you see the latest Variety? Check it out.") We're talking about delusions of grandeur on a grand scale, but evidenced by a film whose production scale is at the dry rot at the bottom of the barrel. Imagine a fusion between The Brady Bunch style of cacky telemovie production with the worst of European arthouse movie aspirations. That's The Astrologer.

This film is an incredible documentation not only of a crazed, self-centred nerd (who perhaps grew up with money and lots of friends who kept telling him "Craig! You're a genius!") and his fantastic vision of self importance, but also of what happens when someone with a total lack of knowledge about film communication gets to actually make a complete film, making this film one million more times incomprehensible than Last Year at Marienbad. For example, the editing in this film is totally askew: important scenes are trimmed down to a video-clip intensity (so fast and condensed you have to rewind to piece it together) while totally superfluous (non?) sequiturs are played out in real time with no editing what so ever. And take the structuring of the script: sometimes his voice over comes on and starts babbling about how he made a deal to sell some stolen jewels to a fence - but it takes ages to unfold because he gives you every detail, like the weight of the jewels, the date and time of the transaction, the address etc, making it sound like a legal contract.

Look, I could go on endlessly about this film. All in all, it's the best example I've ever seen of 'marvel filmmaking' - it's a marvel that such a film ever got made considering that there is probably no one on this planet who would have let it get past square one. That's where the rich kid theory comes in. Craig Denney did everything in the film, and one could only do so much so badly if you had the money to squander. I mean, he even got the Moody Blues to provide an orchestral soundtrack for it! (2018 note: he actually didn't - he used all the music illegally, hence the film's lack of release anywhere since.) But don't get me wrong: it really is wonderful that films like this get made, even though most people now would be getting a totally perverse enjoyment from it. I'm not saying this film is a masterpiece, but that it simply affords an experience that is unobtainable anywhere else or under any other possible conditions. It's a film by default. Somehow it's here - and that's all we need to know anyway. Check it out.

The Astrologer

hyper material for our very brain